Ripped Grace
by Fate4Destiny
Summary: Castiel x reader Castiel had one job after you had fallen. Yet after staring at the knife and blood, he knew he couldn't follow heaven's orders.


**Pairing: Castiel x reader  
Warnings: suicide, self-harm, talk of murder, thoughts of both pro and con religion, kissing, implied more than kissing?**

"Just, see it from my point of view! I don't want some superior being acting like they can control me! Besides, if that's true, why did he leave? Where else does he have to go? Did he just create more beings like some sort of... game? Like we're pets. I hate God, Castiel. And I hate anybody w- w- who promises to protect us and lets us all die."

There wasn't any sounds but the ones you made, tears falling down your cheeks, rage quickly passing. You knew nothing could change your emotions, nothing could help soothe your being. You couldn't accept religion as the end to the mystery. And for an almost omnipresent and omniscient being, it had been eating at you for decades, centuries, until you took it into your own hands.

You couldn't kill yourself, nobody would fight or stab you with one of their angel blades, only a few had those. The archangels, especially Michael, didn't deem you worthy enough of that. Lucifer had a different opinion. He asked you to join him, he'd help you calm down. To fall with him, escape Michael's reign over the heavens and every angel which it was filled with. Gabriel used you as an test, an example of just how long it would take other angels to crack their mentality.

Michael was just plain sick of you. He banished you from heaven, to eventually kill yourself since he took your grace away. You had waited too long to join Lucifer, Michael had him locked under those 66 seals. You were a broken, fallen angel. And Castiel was sent to make sure you'd finish yourself off. He would never disobey his orders. Especially not direct ones from Michael.

The kitchen knife in your hands felt rather heavy, the vessel you borrowed to die in (it was the only way to survive without your grace) was awkward and you wanted to escape it.

You held the tip of the blade to your chest then looked up at Castiel. His blue eyes remained emotionless and on you, silently telling you to continue. To finish what Michael had foreseen and set up for.

The blade became wet in the warm blood, some of it dribbled down your chest and turned the clothes you wore red. Perhaps at that moment, it came clear to you. Souls had heaven or hell. Soulless creatures such as a graceless angel, would simply vanish from existence.

It was regret which made your hand go to your mouth to muffle any sounds. You didn't have any other option but live.

"C- Cas- Castiel, I ch- changed my m-mind."

You stuttered a few times before the angel held out his hand. You were about to reach out for it before you noticed the glint. The angel blade beneath the sleeve of his tan trench coat. You began to beg, but with inhuman speed and strength which your eyes could no longer follow, the blade was dug into your flesh.

You couldn't feel any pain but the wounds from the kitchen knives. The feel of it having gone into your body, where it was impossible to feel anything but discomfort and pain. The side of his fist was against your chest, and you looked up at him. He didn't look at you, but strictly towards the opposing wall. You could feel his hand waver, the once smooth thrust now breaking. He slipped his hand away, slowly dragging his fingers through the blood leaving the wound.

"C- Cas,"

You caught his hand with what was left of your energy. He didn't move it, his flesh foreign as he to stood in a vessel. He raised his other hand and placed it over your eyes.

"Go to sleep,"

His voice was gruff but his words soft. You closed your eyes, unaware when the darkness took you over. The feel of Castiel's hand over your eyes stained your mind. This was the end.

~XxX~

Somewhere your mind had kept the one like of 'you're dead'. You heard high pitched beeping, cool air on your skin, something pricking your arm. It couldn't be. You were dead.

You opened your eyes, focusing on the bland white ceiling, trailing your eyes downwards. Past the curtain which separated the room to Castiel. He was in a chair at the side of your bed.

"Where am I?"

You managed to croak the words past your dry lips as Castiel moved the chair closer. He nodded at you before speaking.

"A hospital. If I had healed you, they would have known."

There was no reason to explain who 'they' were. The other angels. Michael. Anybody and everybody.

"But why?"

Castiel's eyes turned slightly sadder, and he ran a hand down your cheek. He could feel the lack of grace, how dull and colourless your soul was now. No more of the brilliant, white-lighted soul of an angel.

"Angels aren't killers... Especially of humans."

You gave a nod, knowing that's what you were now. You never thought about it before. You were supposed to be dead. But just without your grace, it felt that way. He stroked a hand down your cheek again, as if trying to tell himself you were human. His fingers were warm against your colder skin, and he pulled away as if burnt once it passed over your lips.

"I can't help you anymore. You're alone now. Fallen. Banished from home. From us. If you really want your answers, you'll have to find them yourself, sister."

There were no words between the two of you which had to be said after that. But there words you wanted to say.

"I'm not your sister anymore. I'm an... abomination now. So why did you truly not let me die? I know you, Castiel. I know us. How we were created to live. You hate me, disgusted by me. So why?"

"I'm an angel. And I know you're definition of an angel is very humanly. A being to protect the human race from evil beings. A very wrong judgement, but nevertheless... You'd have done the same thing for me."

Castiel rose, the slight tint in his eyes from familiarity gone. He turned, his vessel's tan trench coat flapping behind him from the speed in which he tried to leave in. He was about to vanish, but you called on him once more.

"You can come back, to kill me."

Castiel turned around, tilting his head a little, eyes still hard with a loyalty not towards you.

"I'm an angel therefor I must follow my orders and have faith in them... How can a guardian angel kill who they are guarding? This is though, the last time I will call you my sister. You are no longer part of our family, good-bye."

Castiel left in a flutter of wings and you watches him leave. He would never come back, you knew. You'd be forgotten by him, never to be even thought about. Yet you felt oddly insulted about that. You shouldn't have been. That was an angel's way of life. What an angel was about.

~XxX~

It was many years later, and you began to get used to the vessel, used to the humans. You were now living among them, yet each memory of your time as an angel was in your mind. Centuries of it. Your entire life, but this now, these past few years, felt much more vivid then all those centuries combined.

There was a knock on the door and you opened it, looking in shock at the man before you. Castiel's vessel.

"C- Castiel?"

The man's vision focused downwards slightly, in some type of shame. He glanced behind himself at where a black chevy impala waited with two people inside of it. He then glanced back at you.

"Can I come in?"

You moved aside and let him do just that, closing the door behind him. You could see it in his eyes, his hate for you settling down. From the furniture and pictures on the wall of you and newly made friends, he disapproved. But some part of him was pleased, consoled, reminded that you were a human.

"Sister,"

"I thought you'd never call me that again."

Castiel walked closer to you, head now hung and hands apart in a sigh of surrender and defeat.

"I refused to call you that because I was still an angel. I've fallen..."

Castiel knew it would come, the reprimanding, anger, even though that was such a human emotion. When you had fallen, not by choice, by simply thinking but quickly regretting it, he had hated you. He stabbed you through your chest, making that sick human blood coat your borrowed flesh. He did not hate humans. He did not hate angels. He hated them interacting.

Now, he was telling you he was in the same situation. You had been just as loyal as him when you two grew up together as fledglings. He had seen you as a lesser being, and he expected to be seem as the same right back.

"Why would I care? I am still beneath you,"

You walked away from him, hardly being able to see Castiel in the vessel. No more grace, his true features, true face and true form were non-existent now. Like you, all that remained was borrowed flesh.

Castiel followed that step, trying to figure out why he had came back. Why he had to tell you he was now a horrid creature. Something which should be flicked off the plane of existence by God.

"We're family. And I'm sorry for not being able to keep that responsibility. I wanted to keep you safe, hidden from the others. Keep you as mine... I was drawn into some problems though. Like you, I couldn't speak to the rest of our family again. And I rebelled. I disgraced myself further than you have, yet I ask you for some form of forgiveness. I'm sorr-"

"Don't say that word. You saved me. Any other angel would have killed me. You saved me, then protected me. And now you came back to me, brother."

You gave Castiel a small smile before wrapping your arms around his waist. He nervously hugged you back, fingers clenching into the back of your shirt. Unlike the other angels he (had) considered family, he was raised with you. You two gained the tittle of each other's favourite during the first few centuries of your lives. Now, he could freely hold you again, make sure you were safe once more.

He tilted his head slightly and brought his mouth up to your ear.

"I killed them. I killed our brothers and our sisters. And I try to think of why I didn't kill you. And I thought about it for a very long time. And it's because I think of you more than just a sister."

You gave a small smile at the words and Castiel pulled away. You expected him to pull away for good, but he came back. His lips touched yours, nervously, experimentally. You kissed back and he gave a small smile over his lips. He then kissed you back more firmly. When he heard Dean honk the horn on the Impala he got a single hand motion which made Dean roll his eyes at.

"Well, Sammy, he's human."

"Don't call me Sammy. And why do you say that?"

"Just look."

Sam closed his laptop then looked out of the passenger seat window. He saw Castiel hold somebody against the wall, a female by the looks of it. They were kissing, though making out was the more correct term. When clothes started to drop Sam turned away rather quickly.

"We um, should go. We'll come back for him. Maybe in the morning."

"We can't stay and watch-"

"Just go Dean! Before I need holy water!"


End file.
